Let’s talk about something uncomfortable for a minute

It’s been a little while since I’ve shared. Life has been a roller coaster the last 24 months. There’s been a lot of good, a lot of growing pains, a lot of heartbreak and a whole lot of love. This post may be one of the most important I ever put out there, along with my #metoo post in 2016. I want to share something that is deeply personal and incredibly hard to talk about. And the truth is that I don’t talk about it. When people look at me and say “you’re 30 and single? Don’t you want to have kids?”  I do. More than anything. I just don’t know that I can. That was hard to even write and I think I’ve only said aloud less than a dozen times. I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me. Not because I don’t have a partner right now or because I can’t picture it. But as a woman, our bodies are made to reproduce, and mine is failing at that. Dating is hard with that burden to bear. How do you look someone in the face that you could build a future with and tell them a future with you may not include children? Or at least not in the traditional way. I know there are many options out there and I am open to every single one of them. There are some things I may be able to do as well to make it a possibility but those things don’t seem logical to try without a partner. I’ve convinced myself that I will be okay not being a mother. But sometimes it doesn’t feel okay. Sometimes I feel like I would feel empty without a child. But I’m also really afraid to try. How do I have that conversation with my future husband? That while I want to explore every option there is, I’m terrified? I’ve felt that loss before and it that kind of loss makes your bones heavy, makes your heart break. It’s the kind of loss that is etched into your skin and sits on shoulders. Your body failed you. Your body failed that child that almost was. It’s an incredibly hard weight to carry. One of the reasons my last relationship failed (one of the many, many reasons) was his inability to accept what I told him. He just insisted that if we tried enough, it would happen. It didn’t happen. Despite our best efforts. Maybe that was divine intervention or maybe, just maybe, it’s becaude of my medical issues. I suffer from endometriosis. If you’re not familiar with it, study up. It affects many women and it’s difficult to describe the pain that comes along with it and the complications if you don’t experience it. It makes getting pregnant difficult. It makes carrying a child to term challenging. It makes every day hard. The pain can be unbearable. And I live with it. I complain a lot about “angry ovaries” because daily, stabbing pain is something I lived with for many years. I’ve been fortunate to find a doctor who communicates, asks questions and has let me experiment with all kinds of birth controls so I can live comfortably. She does not force me to talk about what my future may look like but she gives me the facts and keeps her door open to when I am ready to face it all head on. Women’s health is something I feel so incredibly strongly about because it affects me directly. It affects my sisters, my best friends, my coworkers. If you’re suffering, if you’re carrying a burden-whether it’s endometriosis, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, infertility-I see you. I feel you. And you are not alone.

how letting go feels

You put the pictures in a box. You wash the clothes that still smell like him. You start sleeping in the middle of the bed and turning your phone on silent. You make plans with friends. Conversations with someone new fill your free time. You go on dates. You learn life without your best friend. You drive down empty gravel roads and sing your favorite country songs. You drink wine and ugly cry. You stop picking up things at the store that make you think of him. You no longer refer to yourself as a "we". It's just you. Again. And it's okay. Time moves forward and so do you. Then...Just like that, it was like he was never there.

It is not okay.

I'm not even sure of the best way to begin. This is not a story I've ever told, besides to a handful of people. It is something buried in me. It was something I could never bring myself to say aloud. I am the victim of sexual assault.

When I was 22, I was in a tumultuous relationship with a man who did not respect or value me. The first time we broke up, I congratulated myself on my strength to walk away. Like many young, post grads, celebrations included libations. I went out with a group of friends. I even invited my charming neighbor along. He was always so easy to talk to and not bad to look at. We had dinner, we had drinks. We went to a friends house after and had more drinks. I let him kiss me. He drank more. The events that followed will haunt me forever.

When we returned to my house, he followed me inside. I started telling him I had a nice time, it was getting late, he should go. He got angry. He put his hands on me, he threw me up against a wall, he did not listen when I said no. I said no. Clearly. Loudly. Over and over again. I remember crying and begging him to let me go. He choked me. He pinned my arms behind me and threw me on my bed. He told me I owed him because he paid for dinner.  I told him I would call the police. He told me to shut up. When he let me go to undo his belt, I threw my shoes at him, a hairdryer, anything I could get my hands on. I don't remember how I got him to leave. I do remember the names he called me. I remember the bruises and feeling utterly defeated. He texted and called me repeatedly through the night, as I laid there in my bed, one house over, sobbing.

When I did seek help, what I heard was I was being dramatic; he was drunk-surely he didn't mean to hurt me; it was a "miscommunication". I was afraid to go to the police. I was afraid no one would believe me. Yes, we went our. Yes, we were drinking. Yes, I let him kiss him. Yes, I let him in my home. But I DID NOT invite this man to put his hands on me, to hurt me, to disrespect me, to try to force me into something when I said no. I didn't tell my story. I didn't know I had a voice. I thought I would be told that I was asking for it because I'd heard stories of women being turned away. I wanted to forget. But for 4 more months, I had to live next door to him. I was a prisoner in my own home. I would put my dog in the car to drive her down the block to go to the bathroom. He would stand under my window, yelling my name, in a drunken rage. I was forced to face my attacker weekly, sometimes daily. I had nightmares. I was ashamed. I was afraid. I let myself be a victim instead of a fighter. I let a man get away with hurting me. He has a daughter of his own and I hope no one ever does to her what her father did to me.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but my biggest regret was not using my voice, not standing up for myself. No one, except other victims, can understand what something like this does to a person. It destroys you. It affected me on a deeply emotional level. If someone touches me in a certain way, I flinch. I tense up when a man gets too close. This is a battle i fight daily. It affects my relationships. It had made it hard for me trust, to be affectionate, to love. When I do love, it's genuine because I fee I can trust him to not hurt me. But I haven't trusted anyone with my story. But I feel with the changes happening in our world, it's time to share. I have 4 sisters and a niece. I hope none of them face this. But if they do, I hope they know their rights. I will be right there beside them telling them I believe them and their story deserves telling. Sexual violence is not okay. I wish I had stood up for myself. I know my worth now. I have value. I have a voice. You have value. You have a voice.

My (almost) year of being single

When I started this blog, I didn't give you a lot of back story of how I got to this point in my life or why I found myself single and confused. 9 months ago (exactly actually), my whole world fell apart. This life I had meticulously planned was laying in rubble at my feet. The guy I thought I was meant to spend the rest of my life with was telling me he didn't see a future with me; that he didn't love me, probably never actually had. My heart was shattered. I didn't eat or sleep for an entire week. I became a shell of a person who cried at the mere memory of him. My life was built with him. We did everything together and he ripped the rug right out from under me. Yeah, I probably could have seen it coming with his habits and his patterns. I think we were always meant to crash and burn because we certainly weren't meant for forever. For awhile after it ended, I thought that it was my fault. I thought I nagged too much, I wanted to see him too much, I loved him too much. But one day I realized those thoughts were complete and utter bullshit. It took me a few months, two tinder matches and a few heartfelt conversations that I mistook for reconciliation for me to realize it was never going to work with Tyler (yes that's his real name) because I didn't want it to. I was exhausted from the back and forth with him. Love takes work but it shouldn't put you through hell. He didn't love me. He was never going to love me and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and I stopped rebounding. I knew exactly what I wanted and I didn't have to conform to some timeline of how long I should mourn the death of my relationship and the future I so badly wanted. It didn't matter if I waited 6 months or 6 weeks or 6 days until I fell in love again. What mattered is that when I did, it would be real and honest. And then I did. Unexpectedly and crazily. He was Tyler 2.0 (literally) and he came in like a fucking wrecking ball. It was short lived and went down in flames. He had a slew of problems and a habit of lying. He broke my heart all over again. And that's where this all started. I didn't want to be a girl who settled because I met someone who was cute and told me the things I wanted to hear. Did Tyler 2.0 love me? In his own way, I want to believe he did. I want to believe so badly that it wasn't just all a game. But at the end of the day, I was left with a broken heart and an empty bank account.

I was foolish. I fell too fast and too hard. But I don't regret it. That time with him was the most insane part of my life. I felt everything so deeply and so fully, even the things that hurt in the end. But more importantly, I felt alive again. I felt like the dark cloud of bad relationships hanging over me finally shed a little sunlight. After Tyler 2.0 ran away (again literally), I decided that I am responsible for my happy and I wouldn't settle for less than what I deserve. I knew I would have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to my Prince Charming and I started dating. After so many dates and hang outs and first kisses, I got really discouraged. I had my heart and my mind open for whatever was coming my way. I let myself say yes to guys not normally my type and yes to ones that were. I won't lie and say I didn't feel connections.... You've read about some of them. They were there and they were real but none of them lasted. So there I was almost a year into being single and I was perfectly okay with it. I had gotten use to being on my own. It was the longest I had ever gone without calling someone my boyfriend and it felt good. It felt like I knew myself again and I didn't need another half to define me. After a tow truck driver, loan officer, history teacher, mechanic, insurance adjuster, restaurant manager, counselor, contractor, chemist, IT specialist, delivery man, retail manager... I was exhausted. I was done with the game and pulling myself out.

Then I got that little notification. I had a new match. I logged in one more time, just to see. And there he was. Though I didn't know in that moment who "he" was. I initially said hi first because I had all this newfound confidence and I felt oddly drawn to him. We had our first date and then 5 days later the second and then the third and then we realized something... We didn't need to look anywhere to find what we were looking for-we found it completely in each other. I wasn't settling into a relationship like I had before.... It was my life falling perfectly into place. I kissed a lot of frogs and I really hope that I have finally found my prince. Maybe it won't last forever. Maybe it will. All I know is right in this moment I am happy. Really, truly happy.

...I won't be second best

The craziest thing about my very brief time with "Zane" was the girl I got to be with him. I wasn't someone different, I wasn't pretending. But I was a version of myself that hadn't come out in such a long time. I was fun, flirty, sexy, confident. He brought that out of me from the first conversation and it was intoxicating. Maybe it was because I just jumped in and I didn't overanalyze or try to talk myself off the ledge. I just let myself feel and didn't focus on if I was doing it "the right way". Our conversations were organic and raw. We talked about things that take me months to open up about. It was like fire and magic and all this insanity wrapped up in a person. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight but it was something I don't think I'll ever be able to explain about him. It was a calmness and a storm all at once. Maybe it wasn't meant to last. Maybe that's part of the beauty of those days with him. That it was temporary and I was just meant to live fully in those moments. Do I have regrets? No. But I do still yearn for more. He still crosses my mind more than I care to admit. But he wasn't mine to have. He wasn't ready for me. He wasn't ready for a life with someone new when all he wanted was the life he had with someone else, the one he had lost. I can't fight for someone's heart when someone else won't let him go. He was trouble and gorgeous and erratic and all the things that are so bad for you but can't make yourself say no. It wasn't meant for forever, even though it felt like a hundred little infinities every second I had with him. The immediate connection, the spark, his smile. As jaded as I've become to love and relationships, he made me forget about everything I've been through for a short amount of time and I let him into a world that I keep hidden from everyone else. We will always have those late nights and stolen moments, the long talks and the intimacy I've never had with another person. (And I mean intimacy in the most innocent way... Just me and him, telling each other stories no one else knows). I didn't see him coming and then by time I blinked, he was gone again. I hope he gets the life and love he craves, I hope he can make his marriage work the second time around because he deserves happiness and someone who values and honors him. I hope she realizes what she has this time.

...Please tell me it's all a joke

I took a break from blogging because I had met someone that I thought could really change everything. He changed my mind about the type guy that's out there. And then he pulled the same crap they all do. I thought I would take a break from dating but then I got a message from a guy and we started talking and he really just swept me off my feet. I hadn't felt a connection like that in a long time. When I first saw him, it was like I had known him all my life and the level of comfort you yearn for in a relationship was instant. It was like this void in my life was suddenly filled. Craziest thing I've felt in a long time.

But of course, my love life is a never ending punch line. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Is there some forever kick me sign on my back that states "fall super hard for me. Finally convince me to give it a chance. Then lose your damn mind"...??? Because that's where I'm at. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the last 48 hours of my life. Maybe when I get a grip on it, I'll share. Until then, I'm on lockdown. I can't keep doing this. I don't understand where these guys are coming from. Under different circumstances, either of the last two I met would have been perfectly great boyfriends. But neither was at a place in their life where they should have been trying to make a place in mine.

...respect goes a long way.

I need to rant for a second. This has been on my mind for a little bit but it really got to me this weekend. What is with some of the guys of my generation and their complete lack of respect? I'm fairly certain your mother did not raise you to be a jerk. I'm an understanding person. I'm kind. Probably to the point of it being more of a flaw than a strong character trait. If you changed your mind or you just decided I wasn't the girl for you, say something. Sure, it will hurt. It will suck to hear that from someone I thought I could like. But you know what hurts more? Completely disappearing. This past weekend I was actually off work. I get one of these a month. I had planned to go see my family but this guy I had recently started a flirtation with (let's call him Blaine) had asked me out. We had been talking all week. It felt promising. He was coming on a bit strong but seemed like a really nice guy. A tad dorky and overzealous and completely the opposite of my "type"... In the past, most of my ex boyfriends tended to be assholes who tell good stories. I was excited to go out with a guy who gave off a vibe that was so far from that kind of guy. The it just stopped. No responses to my text, and he was usually the one to text first. Then I realized he deleted me on tinder and snapchat. Excuse me? Fucking rude. And I cannot for the life of me figure out what happened.

Back when I first ventured out onto tinder, one of my first matches was this really cute, bearded guy we will call Ethan. He was also a retail manager so we instantly bonded. The first time we met, he just randomly showed up at my store with his friends in tow. Little awkward but kind of endearing. He was the first guy I ever met from online dating. I was excited about him. He came to visit me another time at work and we had a really great connection. Unfortunately while we were talking, he experienced a house fire. Our first "date" ended up being a group hang out in a hotel. We played games and his friends seemed to really welcome me into the group. When he walked me to my car, he told he really wanted to see me again. We talked over the course of the next few days and then.... Nothing. He was gone. Never to be heard from again. However, he didn't delete me on tinder and we are still Facebook friends. He had been so nice and respectful the entire time. Beyond baffled. Still baffled.

Fast forward a few months and I had a tinder date with "Devon". We went out with his friends for his birthday. I wasn't initially attracted to him in person but he was hilarious and kept me laughing all night. I let him crash at my house (and to answer the question I know you're asking... Nothing much happened. Kept it PGish). The next morning it was mildly awkward when I drove him to his car but I am not a morning person to begin with and I had known this character for less than 24 hours. Not my brightest moment but hey, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take... And yeah, there were some shots involved the night before. When he got out of the car, we hugged and he told me to call him later. A few hours later, I sent a pretty generic text to feel it out and never got a response. Cool.

I get that probably 75% of the guys on tinder are looking for a hook up. I've been honest with every single one I've started a conversation with. I am not a hook up girl. That is not my style. That is not what I'm after. If these boys stopped calling because I didn't put out, then fine. That's not the kind of guy I want any way. But to just straight up ignore someone is rude. Everyone deserves honesty and closure. Even if you walk away feeling like it was a terrible date and you have no desire to see that person again, at the very least, please just tell them you appreciate them taking time to get to know you better but you just didn't feel a romantic connection. Who can be mad at that? You're making them feel both valued and respected. And that goes such a long way. Worse than feeling angry and hurt, there's this moment of feeling like you weren't enough for someone. No one deserves that. I know it's their loss and I am enough. I am more than enough. However, it would still be nice to have an explanation. Imagine if you had a daughter, how would feel if a guy treated her like this?