When I started this blog, I didn't give you a lot of back story of how I got to this point in my life or why I found myself single and confused. 9 months ago (exactly actually), my whole world fell apart. This life I had meticulously planned was laying in rubble at my feet. The guy I thought I was meant to spend the rest of my life with was telling me he didn't see a future with me; that he didn't love me, probably never actually had. My heart was shattered. I didn't eat or sleep for an entire week. I became a shell of a person who cried at the mere memory of him. My life was built with him. We did everything together and he ripped the rug right out from under me. Yeah, I probably could have seen it coming with his habits and his patterns. I think we were always meant to crash and burn because we certainly weren't meant for forever. For awhile after it ended, I thought that it was my fault. I thought I nagged too much, I wanted to see him too much, I loved him too much. But one day I realized those thoughts were complete and utter bullshit. It took me a few months, two tinder matches and a few heartfelt conversations that I mistook for reconciliation for me to realize it was never going to work with Tyler (yes that's his real name) because I didn't want it to. I was exhausted from the back and forth with him. Love takes work but it shouldn't put you through hell. He didn't love me. He was never going to love me and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and I stopped rebounding. I knew exactly what I wanted and I didn't have to conform to some timeline of how long I should mourn the death of my relationship and the future I so badly wanted. It didn't matter if I waited 6 months or 6 weeks or 6 days until I fell in love again. What mattered is that when I did, it would be real and honest. And then I did. Unexpectedly and crazily. He was Tyler 2.0 (literally) and he came in like a fucking wrecking ball. It was short lived and went down in flames. He had a slew of problems and a habit of lying. He broke my heart all over again. And that's where this all started. I didn't want to be a girl who settled because I met someone who was cute and told me the things I wanted to hear. Did Tyler 2.0 love me? In his own way, I want to believe he did. I want to believe so badly that it wasn't just all a game. But at the end of the day, I was left with a broken heart and an empty bank account.
I was foolish. I fell too fast and too hard. But I don't regret it. That time with him was the most insane part of my life. I felt everything so deeply and so fully, even the things that hurt in the end. But more importantly, I felt alive again. I felt like the dark cloud of bad relationships hanging over me finally shed a little sunlight. After Tyler 2.0 ran away (again literally), I decided that I am responsible for my happy and I wouldn't settle for less than what I deserve. I knew I would have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to my Prince Charming and I started dating. After so many dates and hang outs and first kisses, I got really discouraged. I had my heart and my mind open for whatever was coming my way. I let myself say yes to guys not normally my type and yes to ones that were. I won't lie and say I didn't feel connections.... You've read about some of them. They were there and they were real but none of them lasted. So there I was almost a year into being single and I was perfectly okay with it. I had gotten use to being on my own. It was the longest I had ever gone without calling someone my boyfriend and it felt good. It felt like I knew myself again and I didn't need another half to define me. After a tow truck driver, loan officer, history teacher, mechanic, insurance adjuster, restaurant manager, counselor, contractor, chemist, IT specialist, delivery man, retail manager... I was exhausted. I was done with the game and pulling myself out.
Then I got that little notification. I had a new match. I logged in one more time, just to see. And there he was. Though I didn't know in that moment who "he" was. I initially said hi first because I had all this newfound confidence and I felt oddly drawn to him. We had our first date and then 5 days later the second and then the third and then we realized something... We didn't need to look anywhere to find what we were looking for-we found it completely in each other. I wasn't settling into a relationship like I had before.... It was my life falling perfectly into place. I kissed a lot of frogs and I really hope that I have finally found my prince. Maybe it won't last forever. Maybe it will. All I know is right in this moment I am happy. Really, truly happy.
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