...I won't be second best

The craziest thing about my very brief time with "Zane" was the girl I got to be with him. I wasn't someone different, I wasn't pretending. But I was a version of myself that hadn't come out in such a long time. I was fun, flirty, sexy, confident. He brought that out of me from the first conversation and it was intoxicating. Maybe it was because I just jumped in and I didn't overanalyze or try to talk myself off the ledge. I just let myself feel and didn't focus on if I was doing it "the right way". Our conversations were organic and raw. We talked about things that take me months to open up about. It was like fire and magic and all this insanity wrapped up in a person. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight but it was something I don't think I'll ever be able to explain about him. It was a calmness and a storm all at once. Maybe it wasn't meant to last. Maybe that's part of the beauty of those days with him. That it was temporary and I was just meant to live fully in those moments. Do I have regrets? No. But I do still yearn for more. He still crosses my mind more than I care to admit. But he wasn't mine to have. He wasn't ready for me. He wasn't ready for a life with someone new when all he wanted was the life he had with someone else, the one he had lost. I can't fight for someone's heart when someone else won't let him go. He was trouble and gorgeous and erratic and all the things that are so bad for you but can't make yourself say no. It wasn't meant for forever, even though it felt like a hundred little infinities every second I had with him. The immediate connection, the spark, his smile. As jaded as I've become to love and relationships, he made me forget about everything I've been through for a short amount of time and I let him into a world that I keep hidden from everyone else. We will always have those late nights and stolen moments, the long talks and the intimacy I've never had with another person. (And I mean intimacy in the most innocent way... Just me and him, telling each other stories no one else knows). I didn't see him coming and then by time I blinked, he was gone again. I hope he gets the life and love he craves, I hope he can make his marriage work the second time around because he deserves happiness and someone who values and honors him. I hope she realizes what she has this time.

...Please tell me it's all a joke

I took a break from blogging because I had met someone that I thought could really change everything. He changed my mind about the type guy that's out there. And then he pulled the same crap they all do. I thought I would take a break from dating but then I got a message from a guy and we started talking and he really just swept me off my feet. I hadn't felt a connection like that in a long time. When I first saw him, it was like I had known him all my life and the level of comfort you yearn for in a relationship was instant. It was like this void in my life was suddenly filled. Craziest thing I've felt in a long time.

But of course, my love life is a never ending punch line. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Is there some forever kick me sign on my back that states "fall super hard for me. Finally convince me to give it a chance. Then lose your damn mind"...??? Because that's where I'm at. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around the last 48 hours of my life. Maybe when I get a grip on it, I'll share. Until then, I'm on lockdown. I can't keep doing this. I don't understand where these guys are coming from. Under different circumstances, either of the last two I met would have been perfectly great boyfriends. But neither was at a place in their life where they should have been trying to make a place in mine.